How could someone, who knew all I’d
done, and knew the scars that I wore?
How could that One, God’s only
Son, love me even more?
The
other day my cousin posted a link on Facebook to a blog post from Rachel Lewis
titled “Why Miscarriage Matters When You’re Pro-Life”. When I read the title I immediately
knew that I had to click the link. Rachel’s beautiful blog post about miscarriage
(you can read it here) was one from the viewpoint of grieving parents and the
different reactions people show towards those who have had abortions and those
who lose their baby through miscarriage, and the grieving process of both. My
story is a little different and I want to thank Rachel for sharing her story
because it prompted me to share my
story… a story that only a handful of
people know.
This
is hard for me. My family knows “my story” and I shared a piece of it one time
(last year) with my church family. But I have never shared it with the world. Why now? I can’t answer that. Daddy
God and I have had this discussion…. Well, it was actually one sided… me
questioning His timing. “Are you sure you
want me to do this? What if I’m judged? What if people look at me differently?
What if, what if?”
Yes,
it’s time. It’s time for me to get it down on paper. It’s time….. even if it’s just for me.
I
was raised in a wonderful Christian home and my parents taught me right from
wrong at an early age. I was the type of person that needed to be a “perfect”
Christian. I felt like if I wasn’t “perfect” that I would disappoint everyone
in my family and my church. But, feeling the need to be perfect and being perfect are two different things.
And the guilt that came with NOT being perfect ate away at me for years.
When
I was 18, my boyfriend Larry and I decided that we wanted to spend the rest of
our lives together. And if we’re going to get married anyway, why not go ahead
and have sex? I knew it was wrong. I knew what the Bible said about sex before
marriage. Yet it happened. And so began my journey of years of shame and guilt.
Not because of the pre-marital sex (I felt God's forgiveness for that), but because of the outcome of it.
At
the end of December 1984 I came down with a terrible case of the flu. I was in
bed for 3 days with chills, vomiting, fever, and all over body aches and pains.
I took thera-flu, Tylenol, alka-seltzer… anything I could get my hands on to
try and combat the nasty bug that I caught. Little did I know there was a tiny baby
inside of me, fighting for his/her life… fighting against the toxins I was
putting into my body. Slowly my body started getting back to normal, or so I
thought. About a week later I began having severe abdominal pains and started
bleeding. I had no idea that I was pregnant, so I brushed it off as a heavy
period. A week into it, it didn’t let up and the pain got worse. I woke up in
the middle of night with such severe pain that I practically crawled into the
living room crying and screaming in pain. My mom came in and sat beside me on
the couch. With her arm around me she asked, “Debbie, I need to ask you…. could you be pregnant?”
Please,
God, no! My mind started spinning…. I shook my head no. She asked me again, “Debbie,
could you be pregnant? I think you’re having a miscarriage!” Slowly and
shamefully I shook my head yes.
That
morning my parents took me to the doctor. The nurse came into the room after my
ultrasound and said you are about 6 weeks along but you’re definitely having a
miscarriage. That day is mostly a blur. They sent me over to the hospital and
performed a DNC on me. I spent a couple of hours in recovery then went home.
That
evening, my family went to church and I curled up on the couch, alone… very alone. I was so ashamed. I messed
up my perfect Christian life. I’ve disappointed my parents (I couldn’t even look
them in the eyes for weeks). I’ve disappointed God. I’m such a disgrace.
“No
one can know about this! I’ve been sick with the flu; I’ll just say that it
came back.”
I
called into work the next day and told my boss at McDonald’s that the nasty flu
bug hit me again. I had already told my parents not to tell anyone at church or
the family. In a way, I was relieved
that I had a miscarriage. This way, no one will ever know that I became
pregnant as an unmarried 18 year old. And life went on. We never spoke of it
again.
Larry
and I got married in the summer of 1985 and had our firstborn baby girl,
Tifanee, in the spring of 1986. Two more babies followed, Jessica in 1988, and Matthew
in 1989. When I held Tifanee for the first time, the feeling of love
overwhelmed me to the point of tears. And the same thing happened with Jessica,
and then Matt. And each time, I would think about the miscarriage (I still
couldn’t say, even in my mind, the word “baby” when I thought about the
miscarriage).
Then
one day, and I can’t tell you the date (our kids were little and were at school
and Larry was at work), I forced myself to say that I had lost a baby. Yes, he
or she was a BABY, not just a miscarried piece of tissue. And in my mind, I was
the one who had killed him or her (because of the meds). And to top it off, I
was so intent on having the image of a perfect Christian girl, I was GLAD that
I didn’t have to disgrace anyone by being pregnant. This was no better than abortion. What have I done??!?
I
began to grieve……
The
grieving lasted for years. The pain of what I had done was so overwhelming at
times. My husband didn’t even know the “scars that I wore”. I would have to put on
my “happy face” on the days I became so overwhelmed with grief for my baby. On
one of those painful days, I even wrote a song called “The Babies”. The song
appears to be about abortion, but it is really about my own personal experience
and the baby that my husband and I lost.
On
another one of those painful days, I wrote a song called, “Because of Grace”.
This song has played the biggest impact in my healing process than anything in
my life. I sat at the piano and poured out my soul… just me and God.
I
began to sing… and cry… and sing… and pray… and sing… and cry:
How could someone who knew all I’d done, And knew the
scars that I wore?
How could that One, God’s only Son, love me even more?
And, how could He pay the price for me? So unworthy was
I.
And, how could He go to Calvary on a cross that should’ve
been mine?
“How could you love me God? I’m so
undeserving. I’m not even worthy to be called your daughter because of what I’ve
done. I didn’t take any regard for the life you placed inside of me. Please,
forgive me, please forgive me, Daddy God… I’m so sorry!”
I’m still amazed by all of the ways, He proves His love
for me
When I come to Him broken within, His love is all I need
And even the pain I hold inside is taken all away
Why would He care enough for me? It’s simply because of
grace.
I can’t tell you the relief that I felt that
day. I can’t even BEGIN to describe the overwhelming love that my heavenly
Father poured down on me. It was if He was right there beside me, wrapping His
arms around me, telling me that it’s going to be okay. His mercy and grace
covered me with a blanket…. His blanket of love.
Because of mercy, because of grace
Because of the love He showed when at
Calvary, He took my place
Because of mercy, Because of grace
The sins that I had, they were many, but now they’ve
been erased
Because of grace.
The
weight that I had carried for 15 or so years was finally lifted. The grieving
that had lasted so many years was finally over. I was able to talk about it
with my husband. I told him it was time to tell our girls (they were teens by
this time). I remember the day I sat them on the bed and told them. Tifanee
cried and Jessica looked like she was in shock. I started to feel the shame all
over again but God lovingly whispered to my spirit and reminded me that all is
forgiven.
Are there still days when I think about what I had done? Yes. But, I
always have Someone there “hushing” that guilt and gently reminding me that my
sins have been cast into the sea never to be remembered again.
In
early 2013, me and my Southern Gospel group Full Life Trio were getting songs
ready to head into the studio. I told them that “Because of Grace” needed to be
on this CD. Even though I wrote it years before, the time had come to share it
with others. Below is a video I put together of Full Life Trio and our studio version of “Because of Grace”. I hope it encourages someone. It sure has
encouraged me. I would love to hear your comments!
P.S. Please do me a favor and share this post. Someone you know may need it right now. Share on Facebook, tweet it, pin it on Pinterest, or email it to a friend. Thank you!
P.S.S. Larry and I really did mean it when we said we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We started dating in 1984 and we will be married 29 years in July 2014!
As always, go with God and God will go with you!
Until next time,
Debbie Davis
One Blessed Chicky
